Aaaaand we're back!
Hello, Universe. Me again.
Well, you should have sent that asteroid when you had the chance. Now, quit whining so we can resume! In case you forgot the format, I'll ask the questions that need asking, and you, Universe, will explain yourself. (Or as you've done so far, fiddle with your blackberry and try to plead the fifth.)
But don't worry, we'll start with something relatively simple...ish:
*Explain Marmite. Yes, Marmite. I mean, come on! This is not food. IT'S TOE-JAM IN A BOTTLE!!! So, let me get this straight - the mere possibility of a chocolate chip cookie that would NOT pitch it's cellulite tent at my butt is absolutely OUT of the question, but edible toe-jam you're OK with??
*Two words - Reality Television. Oxymoron, anyone?
This one is wrong on sooo many levels, I don't know where to begin. But how about the fact that this is a town where Simon Cowell is the Mayor, Paris Hilton is the patron saint and Donald Trump is God! Enough said!
*Explain the need for Irony. Yes, irony - effective in books, movies and art. In real life - not so funny, you son of a bitch!
*Explain the Indian Government's aversion to Sex Ed programs in Indian high schools. Allegedly, it's inappropriate subject matter for teenagers because teaching the little bobble heads about sex will alert them to the fact of the existence of sex and this, in turn, will then encourage them to go out and have said sex.
It's Obvious the Indian Government has never met a teenager.
Ok, the libidinous hankerings of horny 14yr olds aside, what really astounds me about this marvel of bureaucratic reasoning is the assertion that its the Education itself which will be the cause of the misinformation of Pinky and Pappu.
Either the Government needs to go out and get a dictionary and look up the word 'education' or it's finally admitting the truth about the quality of the teaching methods in the average Indian high school.
*Explain Tele-marketers. Do these people not have lives? Or do they really believe that calling me at the most inopportune moment possible or clogging up my phone inbox with text messages sent at random times like 6.42 A.M. is their best sales strategy? What? They think that if they catch me when I'm comatose or in the middle of losing my mind and all my marbles, I'll be less likely to resist a mobile phone connection that lets inmates in some Kazakh prison pass on their long distance phone-sex charges to me?
*I read somewhere that 'The Universe is balance.' So I just wanted to know if you've been hitting the hooch a little hard lately...cause where's the balance, man?
*Explain the whole 'Battle of the Sexes' fiasco.
Admit it - You messed up! The boys were only supposed to do all the heavy lifting and leave all the real deep thinking to us. Simple, right?
Oh, but NOOOO, you had to let them think they ran the show as well! So now, we have a world where men can make television remote controls sophisticated enough to launch nuclear projectiles, but they can't make themselves a sandwhich. Bravo, Universe! Y'done good!
*Explain the grammer in text messages. Ok actually, more than an explanation, what I'd really like is the assuarance that, in the years to come, I will NEVER have to put down money at a bookstore only to read the words, "8 wz da bst of timz, 8 wz da wrst of timz..."
Promise me that day will never come.(Hey, it could happen! Remember ye olde days, when thou spaketh thus?)
Hello, Universe. Me again.
Well, you should have sent that asteroid when you had the chance. Now, quit whining so we can resume! In case you forgot the format, I'll ask the questions that need asking, and you, Universe, will explain yourself. (Or as you've done so far, fiddle with your blackberry and try to plead the fifth.)
But don't worry, we'll start with something relatively simple...ish:
*Explain Marmite. Yes, Marmite. I mean, come on! This is not food. IT'S TOE-JAM IN A BOTTLE!!! So, let me get this straight - the mere possibility of a chocolate chip cookie that would NOT pitch it's cellulite tent at my butt is absolutely OUT of the question, but edible toe-jam you're OK with??
*Two words - Reality Television. Oxymoron, anyone?
This one is wrong on sooo many levels, I don't know where to begin. But how about the fact that this is a town where Simon Cowell is the Mayor, Paris Hilton is the patron saint and Donald Trump is God! Enough said!
*Explain the need for Irony. Yes, irony - effective in books, movies and art. In real life - not so funny, you son of a bitch!
*Explain the Indian Government's aversion to Sex Ed programs in Indian high schools. Allegedly, it's inappropriate subject matter for teenagers because teaching the little bobble heads about sex will alert them to the fact of the existence of sex and this, in turn, will then encourage them to go out and have said sex.
It's Obvious the Indian Government has never met a teenager.
Ok, the libidinous hankerings of horny 14yr olds aside, what really astounds me about this marvel of bureaucratic reasoning is the assertion that its the Education itself which will be the cause of the misinformation of Pinky and Pappu.
Either the Government needs to go out and get a dictionary and look up the word 'education' or it's finally admitting the truth about the quality of the teaching methods in the average Indian high school.
*Explain Tele-marketers. Do these people not have lives? Or do they really believe that calling me at the most inopportune moment possible or clogging up my phone inbox with text messages sent at random times like 6.42 A.M. is their best sales strategy? What? They think that if they catch me when I'm comatose or in the middle of losing my mind and all my marbles, I'll be less likely to resist a mobile phone connection that lets inmates in some Kazakh prison pass on their long distance phone-sex charges to me?
*I read somewhere that 'The Universe is balance.' So I just wanted to know if you've been hitting the hooch a little hard lately...cause where's the balance, man?
*Explain the whole 'Battle of the Sexes' fiasco.
Admit it - You messed up! The boys were only supposed to do all the heavy lifting and leave all the real deep thinking to us. Simple, right?
Oh, but NOOOO, you had to let them think they ran the show as well! So now, we have a world where men can make television remote controls sophisticated enough to launch nuclear projectiles, but they can't make themselves a sandwhich. Bravo, Universe! Y'done good!
*Explain the grammer in text messages. Ok actually, more than an explanation, what I'd really like is the assuarance that, in the years to come, I will NEVER have to put down money at a bookstore only to read the words, "8 wz da bst of timz, 8 wz da wrst of timz..."
Promise me that day will never come.(Hey, it could happen! Remember ye olde days, when thou spaketh thus?)
