This is a Protest. This is a Rant.
A railing, flailing, hissing, pissing, flipping-you-off-with-all-10-digits-while-spitting-in-your-eye RANT.
What we're protesting here is the sheer, incomprehensible ABSURDITY that is corporate jargon.
Who thinks this shit up for chrissake!!
Tell me, corporate world? Do you have a guy -a thin bony nervous guy, someone who's always feared his ears were too big for his face and his voice too damp for his paper mouth; sitting in a drafty little cubbyhole in a spike-jonze-being-john-malkovich inspired half-cap stunted ceilinged attic somewhere, squished between mountainous stacks of yellow legal pads, pencils sharpened to deathly gleaming points, channeling the angst and humiliation of so many brown bag lunches stolen and stomped on by schoolyard bullies into vague, incoherent, self-inflating phrases designed to set the average human being's teeth on edge?
I mean, come on! When did it become normal to talk like this - verbs as nouns, nouns as adjectives or god alone knows what and of course, the arbitrary stringing together of random alphabets that makes it sound like the entire corporate world suddenly, unanimously decided to speak Czech.
Now if you buy that whole 'the geeks shall inherit the earth', then I suppose you've got to believe that this is the devil's pay-off and in that respect, somewhat overdue. Allow me to illustrate by means of this shining example of the savage little ironies and bipolar belly-flops of fortune's favour.
See, I imagine that on a battlefield of another kind i.e. the schoolyard, spouting phrases like, 'interface systems architecture' or 'synergize intuitive paradigms' would have guaranteed you an ass whuppin' of major proportions. Now say stuff like that in a board room full of hypercaffienated, hypoglycemic, middle aged, middle management types in too tight neckties and there's a pretty good chance they're going to see you as some kind of business Demi-God.
And get this...pay you a buttload of money to churn out more crap like that!
So, since you're the only one who actually understands what you're saying...for once in your life, YOU'RE COOL. You are THE MAN.
Sure enough, before long, you're hooked. You're actually believing that bullshit you're spouting.
Welcome to the Danger Zone.
Because where does it end?
Or imagine this - IT DOESN'T!!!
It crosses over into civilian life. Soon it'll be an epidemic - girlfriends all over will want to have 'THE INTERFACE'
The Sunday morning drone of ESPN will be shattered by wives intoning "Honey, you need to reprioritise your KRA's and deploy real-time deliverables"
And meet the future of sexual harassment: street corner studs hooting,"Baby, I'd like to mesh synergistic architectures with you"
Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
A railing, flailing, hissing, pissing, flipping-you-off-with-all-10-digits-while-spitting-in-your-eye RANT.
What we're protesting here is the sheer, incomprehensible ABSURDITY that is corporate jargon.
Who thinks this shit up for chrissake!!
Tell me, corporate world? Do you have a guy -a thin bony nervous guy, someone who's always feared his ears were too big for his face and his voice too damp for his paper mouth; sitting in a drafty little cubbyhole in a spike-jonze-being-john-malkovich inspired half-cap stunted ceilinged attic somewhere, squished between mountainous stacks of yellow legal pads, pencils sharpened to deathly gleaming points, channeling the angst and humiliation of so many brown bag lunches stolen and stomped on by schoolyard bullies into vague, incoherent, self-inflating phrases designed to set the average human being's teeth on edge?
I mean, come on! When did it become normal to talk like this - verbs as nouns, nouns as adjectives or god alone knows what and of course, the arbitrary stringing together of random alphabets that makes it sound like the entire corporate world suddenly, unanimously decided to speak Czech.
Now if you buy that whole 'the geeks shall inherit the earth', then I suppose you've got to believe that this is the devil's pay-off and in that respect, somewhat overdue. Allow me to illustrate by means of this shining example of the savage little ironies and bipolar belly-flops of fortune's favour.
See, I imagine that on a battlefield of another kind i.e. the schoolyard, spouting phrases like, 'interface systems architecture' or 'synergize intuitive paradigms' would have guaranteed you an ass whuppin' of major proportions. Now say stuff like that in a board room full of hypercaffienated, hypoglycemic, middle aged, middle management types in too tight neckties and there's a pretty good chance they're going to see you as some kind of business Demi-God.
And get this...pay you a buttload of money to churn out more crap like that!
So, since you're the only one who actually understands what you're saying...for once in your life, YOU'RE COOL. You are THE MAN.
Sure enough, before long, you're hooked. You're actually believing that bullshit you're spouting.
Welcome to the Danger Zone.
Because where does it end?
Or imagine this - IT DOESN'T!!!
It crosses over into civilian life. Soon it'll be an epidemic - girlfriends all over will want to have 'THE INTERFACE'
The Sunday morning drone of ESPN will be shattered by wives intoning "Honey, you need to reprioritise your KRA's and deploy real-time deliverables"
And meet the future of sexual harassment: street corner studs hooting,"Baby, I'd like to mesh synergistic architectures with you"
Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
