The universe has some explaining to do.
Seriously...I would like some answers.
The way I figure it: as rational, sentient beings, creation has deprived human beings of the pleasures of an insensible, uncomplicated, rationale-free existence. So I'm here with my 'Right to Information' form filled out in triplicate and duly notarised because Goddamn it, I have questions and I WANT answers!!
What I'd like is for the universe to explain if not account for certain realities. There are big questions of course, such as the need for the holocaust,
the purpose of global warming, the mechanics of Donald Trump's Hairdo, etc., but there are smaller, more personal queries also.
So come on in universe. Take your shoes off. Smoke a cigarette. Make a sandwich. Get comfortable....this may take a while.
Now in no particular order, here goes:
*Explain how it is that I, as a common individual not related by blood or bond to anybody vaguely powerful or popular or influential or even remotely good-looking, can hope to get a fair shot anywhwere in this cosmos...where can I, an unaffiliated nobody, get my redressal? Where can I get justice? Where can I get my lunch money back?
*Explain to me why the government thinks that somehow by cosmetically altering the name of a city, they will have given all the inherent problems of that city a facelift too...like "Ooh ze crap et ze crud on ze streets of Mumbai, she ees charmant, n'est pas? Bombay?? Mias non...she ees ugly"
*Explain to me how it is that my watch, my microwave, my airconditioner, my dvd player... basically every piece of electronic equipment ever owned by me manages to break down precisely a day and a half after the stipulated warranty expires. I sense an electromagnetic conspiracy...
*Explain the need for cellulite again....like seriously, who thought that was a good idea.
*Explain why Creed?(the rock band, not the ideological construct.) Pearl Jam and Live weren't enough for you?? Ok given, Live were a little karma-obsessed and Ed Kowalczyk wasn't nearly as cute as Eddie Vedder. Still,we forgave...kinda. But Creed?? Scott Stapp?? Seriously!!
*Explain to me how Religion, this universally accepted conduit meant to teleport humanity straight into the bosom of divinity, has been and continues to be the reason for 90% of the goriest, most savage, most pointless bloodletting to have occured through the ages.
*Explain this Japanese hair straightening epidemic that has struck not just vain, upper middle class housefraus and frauleins(oh woe, if that were all) but oddly, an alarming majority of testosterone-heavy muscle monkeys. All of a sudden, there's a rash of people, male and female, running around wearing what can only be described as a bad throwback to the glam rock frightwigs of the 80's. What next? Crimping?
*Explain how it is that my sexlife consists entirely of being screwed over - by my phone company, my bank, my landlord, tax collectors, creditcard companies, my clients, expensive chain restaurants, evil cabbies, freebies with fine print, murphy's law,basically anyone that figures they have an appetite for fresh sucker today...HOW, Universe HOW?
*Explain the teeth of the English...how is it that this pea-sized nation, which colonised nearly half the globe, couldn't get itself a half-decent dental plan? Unless of course, dental-envy was their primary motivation for conquest: the subjugation of aboriginal peoples possessing healthy, aesthetically pleasant teeth. Hmmm...now that you think about it: India - originally a nation of good strong shiny white teeth, Africa - good strong shiny white teeth, The Americas - good strong shiny white teeth.
Ok, now in the name of bandwidth and brevity, we shall adjourn. But by no means am I through with you, Universe. So unless you're sending another monster asteroid my way, this is 'To be continued...'
Seriously...I would like some answers.
The way I figure it: as rational, sentient beings, creation has deprived human beings of the pleasures of an insensible, uncomplicated, rationale-free existence. So I'm here with my 'Right to Information' form filled out in triplicate and duly notarised because Goddamn it, I have questions and I WANT answers!!
What I'd like is for the universe to explain if not account for certain realities. There are big questions of course, such as the need for the holocaust,
the purpose of global warming, the mechanics of Donald Trump's Hairdo, etc., but there are smaller, more personal queries also.
So come on in universe. Take your shoes off. Smoke a cigarette. Make a sandwich. Get comfortable....this may take a while.
Now in no particular order, here goes:
*Explain how it is that I, as a common individual not related by blood or bond to anybody vaguely powerful or popular or influential or even remotely good-looking, can hope to get a fair shot anywhwere in this cosmos...where can I, an unaffiliated nobody, get my redressal? Where can I get justice? Where can I get my lunch money back?
*Explain to me why the government thinks that somehow by cosmetically altering the name of a city, they will have given all the inherent problems of that city a facelift too...like "Ooh ze crap et ze crud on ze streets of Mumbai, she ees charmant, n'est pas? Bombay?? Mias non...she ees ugly"
*Explain to me how it is that my watch, my microwave, my airconditioner, my dvd player... basically every piece of electronic equipment ever owned by me manages to break down precisely a day and a half after the stipulated warranty expires. I sense an electromagnetic conspiracy...
*Explain the need for cellulite again....like seriously, who thought that was a good idea.
*Explain why Creed?(the rock band, not the ideological construct.) Pearl Jam and Live weren't enough for you?? Ok given, Live were a little karma-obsessed and Ed Kowalczyk wasn't nearly as cute as Eddie Vedder. Still,we forgave...kinda. But Creed?? Scott Stapp?? Seriously!!
*Explain to me how Religion, this universally accepted conduit meant to teleport humanity straight into the bosom of divinity, has been and continues to be the reason for 90% of the goriest, most savage, most pointless bloodletting to have occured through the ages.
*Explain this Japanese hair straightening epidemic that has struck not just vain, upper middle class housefraus and frauleins(oh woe, if that were all) but oddly, an alarming majority of testosterone-heavy muscle monkeys. All of a sudden, there's a rash of people, male and female, running around wearing what can only be described as a bad throwback to the glam rock frightwigs of the 80's. What next? Crimping?
*Explain how it is that my sexlife consists entirely of being screwed over - by my phone company, my bank, my landlord, tax collectors, creditcard companies, my clients, expensive chain restaurants, evil cabbies, freebies with fine print, murphy's law,basically anyone that figures they have an appetite for fresh sucker today...HOW, Universe HOW?
*Explain the teeth of the English...how is it that this pea-sized nation, which colonised nearly half the globe, couldn't get itself a half-decent dental plan? Unless of course, dental-envy was their primary motivation for conquest: the subjugation of aboriginal peoples possessing healthy, aesthetically pleasant teeth. Hmmm...now that you think about it: India - originally a nation of good strong shiny white teeth, Africa - good strong shiny white teeth, The Americas - good strong shiny white teeth.
Ok, now in the name of bandwidth and brevity, we shall adjourn. But by no means am I through with you, Universe. So unless you're sending another monster asteroid my way, this is 'To be continued...'
1 comment:
Part II?
Awesome :)
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